Insight into Action
I can’t think any more. I’m done with overwhelm, I’m done with not enough, and I’m hoping to be done with shame any time soon. All the what ifs, and gripping on to my image as the rock solid all-knowig yoga leader who guides the tribe to her level of samadhi. Mostly I’ve ended up down another rabbit hole that corkscrews me down on the rollercoaster into the pit of my stomach. I don’t want to be seen or heard or lead. I want to hide.
In my therapy room, I am witnessing so much anxiety, darkness, grief and desperation. It feels more important than ever to embody and express it, to spotlight it in the zoom room, to find ways to be with surfacing dis-ease.
‘we’ve done all the thinking we can stand…don’t turn the whole world into thought – we just get afraid and angry inside, we supress ourselves…the heart has room for everything” (Stephen Levine)
You know the story of the churning of the milky ocean? If not, you can look it up, it's one of the greats. The word ‘churning’ came to mind – a viscerally sickening feeling; of the devas and demons tug of war to extract the nectar of immortality. In their turmoil to extract it, masses of black mess and poison was released instead, the “halahala”, such an emotive word. The halahala had the capacity to destroy the whole of creation so Siva was called and drank the poison. As he held it in his throat, he couldn’t breathe, and suffered excruciating blue bruising pain. It’s a long story but finally the nectar was released and great gifts and treasures restored the strength of the gods. Sometimes when you become weak, you have to wade through the deep messy poisonous ocean and fight internal demons with great courage before the sweet gifts are revealed.
I pause. Amongst the feelings of disgust with this world where people are being killed daily by uniformed ‘safekeepers’, where traumatised homeless humans crash through the ocean on dinghies longing for safety. I close my eyes and take a sigh, a sigh of relief that I am breathing. And now what?
Robin Wall Kimmerer says that the most important thing is to learn the nature of our own unique gift … each of us has to be strong in who we are and carry our gift with conviction… and know how to use it for good in the world.
I close my eyes, feel into the word ‘gift’, a bubbling up of embodied truth, I breathe into the possibilities, the potential of my gifts and how to share them. I breathe into this conviction, familiarise myself with it, exaggerate it until all the halahala is gone. I feel the insight of conviction like a burning flame in my heart.
I’m done with making myself feel better with a good hamstring stretch, a peaceful meditation, and gratitude journal.
In Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy, we talk about “Insight into action” so
I ask myself -
What do I do with the halahala, the poison when it shows up?
How will I know my gifts?
How can I share my gifts with the world?
I am growing into the questions and creating spaces, workshops, and courses for like-minded wisdom holders to come together,. If anyone out there would like to explore more about ‘gifts into action’, or is already a leader in action, please get in touch…judy@yogaunited.com
Life is hard enough, let’s help each other out, namaste